as for the newborn.  he’s doing wonderful.  he’s getting big and steals my heart daily.

but i am soooooooo done having babies.  i hate pregnancy.  it sucks ass.  other things i think suck ass: having the baby (and by that i mean delivering the baby) and breastfeeding the baby.  i know i’ll get shit, especially for that last part, but really.  i hate doing it.  i hate feeling like a cow.  so i quit.  my baby is a formula baby!  not just that, but a GENERIC formula baby!  that’s right, i’m feeding him the cheap stuff because honestly, it’s all pretty much the same anyway.  sure, individual babies react differently to the small variations among the different formulas.  but in the end, all are regulated by the FDA to meet certain nutritional requirements.  i refuse to believe that my baby will be any worse for wear by being bottle fed.  in fact, i think he will be better off because i’m better rested and less resentful.  happy mama = happy baby.

now, i understand that some people out there are nipple nazis and think that i you don’t breastfeed your child you might as well be slipping arsenic in the bottle.   and to them i say “FUCK. YOU.”  (and since this is my blog and i can choose what comments to post, if you comment here going on and on about how bad i am and how i should be breastfeeding, well, i’m not gonna approve it.  so there.  nah.)

i also am fully aware that breastfeeding your child is good.  i am also jealous of the women who can do it with smiles on their faces.  i am not one of those women.  i like to sleep.  i want to be able to hand off the baby to his father to feed him.  i treasure the fact that formula takes longer to digest so i get a few more hours of sleep at night before getting up to feed him.  life is much better for us this way.

but you…  if you can breastfeed and you like/love it…  good on you!  i’m proud of you!

as a last thought, here is a REALLY good article about, well, the case against breastfeeding.  it has some really good points and despite the title, it is not suggesting no woman breastfeeds her kid.  it has a lot of history behind the breastfeeding movement of the last 30, 40, 50 years.  (maybe longer)  and no, it was not “sponsored” by a pharmaceutical company who is trying to discourage breastfeeding or to push formula.  it’s just a thoughtful, well laid out article that utilizes critical thinking.  amazing.

all this crap about ACORN is just a distraction so you don’t notice how corrupt and unfair they are.  i’m sorry, but if you cant win it fairly, you shouldn’t be in the white house.  hasn’t the last 8 years taught us anything?

so here is the article:

Block the Vote

Will the GOP’s campaign to deter new voters and discard Democratic ballots determine the next president?

for people outside California, prop 8 is a hateful proposition that would change the state constitution to allow for Californians to be treated unequally based on sexual preference.  in June, the cal supreme court ruled that it was unconstitutional to ban same-sex marriage.  the hateful reich (right-wing) has put a proposition on the ballot to change the constitution to ban same-sex marriage under the heading “protection of marriage”.  protection my ass!

the reich is trying to say that this will mean that they will be teaching our children about GAY marriage in school because the California Education Code Section 51933 states that “Instruction and materials shall teach respect for marriage and committed relationships”.

i’m sorry, but i must have missed the day where i was taught that marriage was between a man and woman only?  i don’t ever remember being “taught” that in school.  as far as i can tell, the educational code only states that respect will be taught.  nowhere in there does it say that the schools should teach what marriage means.

as a parent, it is MY responsibility to teach my son our morals, values, and ethics.  i do not expect those, nor do i want those, to be taught to my kid with some one else’s agenda.  however, i would hope that the people that are teaching my son to be respectful of our morals, values, and ethics if they differ from theirs. and frankly, i would be OUTRAGED if equality and respect did not happen in the classroom.  we are not christian, and i have plenty of issues with christianity, but i would NEVER NEVER NEVER allow my son to be disrespectful to someone who is.  it’s wrong and immoral to do so.  so basically, the most immoral people in this fight are the ones supporting prop 8.

these people that are supporting prop 8 need to get their heads out of their asses and see the truth:  GAY PEOPLE EXIST.  THEY ALWAYS HAVE.  THEY FALL IN LOVE.  THEY HURT.  THEY BLEED.  THEY GET HEARTACHES JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.  THEY DESERVE TH RIGHT TO BE MISERABLE/HAPPY IN THEIR MARRIAGE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.  THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU AND ME.  THEY WORK NEXT TO YOU IN YOUR JOB.  THEIR KIDS GO TO SCHOOL WITH YOURS.  GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF.

remember, it wasn’t THAT long ago (in the grand scheme of things) that they were feeding christians to lions.  does your story not teach you anything???

another thing i just realized: the argument that allowing gay marriage would somehow “invalidate” straight marriages is conspicuously absent.  could it be that straight marriages have remained UNCHANGED in the state of California since June.  oh SNAP!  that argument sure didn’t pan out well did it?  now the riech is clinging to the refrain “what about the children???”  yeah, what about the children?  i see nothing wrong with teaching them to be respectful of others.  in fact, i see everything right with teaching them to be respectful of others whose decisions might differ from theirs.  after all, we are not a nation of 1 kind of person.  we are a nation of millions.  millions who have made BILLIONS of decisions that are different than mine.  so what?  should i hate them all??

i really only hate 1 kind of person.  the hateful kind.  but it’s ok, they are cool with hate.

**update**  the signs are gone today.  i doubt they were stolen, as liberals don’t usually STEAL things.  especially yard signs.  we might be tempted yes, but i have yet to hear a complaint from the riech about stolen yard signs, but i have heard of plenty of assults, accusations, and theft in regards of obama stickers and signs.

aside from her hypocracy, let’s look at the quote and dissect that.

“there’s a special place in hell reserved for women who don’t help other women.”  <–that’s the real quote by the way.  we are talking about HELPING.  not unilaterally SUPPORTING.  big difference lady.

ok, as a woman i know what albight was trying to say.  women are kinda bitchy to each other.  women are taught from a young age many ways to be nasty to each other.  whether by other girls being nasty on the playground, to being catty to another woman who has what you want.  it runs the gamut.  what she was trying to get at is that we should try to help one another out as opposed to being mean for mean-ness sake.  that said, i doubt albright would be very happy about her quote being distorted into some sort of unpatriotic stance to be a woman and not vote for the antichrist mcsame/palin ticket.

also, let’s see how the quote would go over if used by Obama (were he a racist, sexist, chauvinistic bastard, which he’s not).

“there is a special place in hell for blacks who don’t support other blacks”  (we’ll go with palin’s misquote)

whoa…would the press have a field day with that!!  but somehow it’s ok to call out women.  got it.

what about if it was used for the other gender?  “there is a special place in hell for men who don’t support other men”.  ooohhh…not so good!!  do you see where i’m going with this?

you know what palin?  you say you don’t want sexism to be a part of this campaign.  well guess what lady, it goes both ways.  if you don’t want it to be a part of the campaign, then stop bringing it up.  you can’t clamor for equality if you aren’t acting equal.

and by the way, this woman is going for a candidate who actually HELPS PEOPLE.  women included in that group.  i’ll cast my vote for someone who talks about issues rather than someone who talks about the quotes they found on their starbucks mocha.

UPDATE:  it turns out the words “FUCK” and “women” that appear many times in this blog post are generating quite a bit of traffic for this post among the internet porn set.  welcome internet porn seekers!  you will find none here!  but i have seen what the search results give you and i am sure you already knew what this post would be about before you clicked the links.  turns out you have interests outside internet porn.  good for you!  vote Obama and you can keep your internet porn.  vote repuglican be prepared to loose way more civil rights than you ever knew you had.  you better believe that internet porn will be right up there with all the things satan and the libruls are using to aid the terrorists.

that said, i try to catch myself when i start judging people, because after all, it is not my place to judge people.  but, this is my blog that i started as a sort of mental clearing house.  the lack of any sort of health-food store in my area and the cost incurred when trying to eat healthy really gets to me.  i mean really, a loaf of bread costs more than a meal at taco-bell.  what is wrong with this picture??

i also think that is it strange that Trader Joe’s, a very affordable and some-what natural foods store, will only move in to a community that has a certain number of people, and a certain percentage of those people have to be over a certain income.  this effectively puts it out of reach of people who could benefit from shopping there.  i am not about to drive 40 miles, with today’s gas prices, to shop there because the gas will make up for any money i might save on groceries.  this just really gets me!!!

and i also feel a little helpless right now.  food prices are going up due to flooding in the midwest, and drought in the west.  not to mention the fuel prices going up for transporting food which is passed on to the already broke consumer.  jobs are scarce, stocks are going down, oil is going up, tomatoes have salmonella, education is getting cut at every turn, etc.  when will it end?

no wonder i can’t seem to quit smoking.  maybe it’s like the Smiths song, She Said, She said, “I smoke because i’m wishing for an early death and i need to cling to something.”

ok, so maybe i’m not actually wishing for an early death, persay, but there is a small nugget of truth to those lyrics.  at least, i seem to identify with She.

oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!

i see people with their kids hanging all over the shopping carts because apparently the parents can’t read visual symbols that say “no kids in the basket”.  i mean really, there are words, but pictures too.

most checkers don’t know what to do when i bring my own bags because i don’t want 118 of their petroleum based bags.  they will also fill my shopping bags about as good as they fill theirs, as in about 2 items per bag.  i was laughing the time i took in 3 bags, but the checker thought i had more because everytime she would hand me a half filled bag, i would take the items out, repack them in the first bag and hand her back the one she had just handed me, empty.

what really gets me are the obese people with their carts full of SHIT foods and not one fresh veggie or fruit.  the kids are obese and their teeth are rotting out.  i am not against heavy people, that’s not it.  i understand how it is to not be able to drop weight.  yes, some people are naturally prone to being big.  some people have medical problems that make it hard to not be heavy.  hell, if it weren’t for my thyroid disease, i would have had a tough time dropping the pregnancy weight.  it’s the fact that as a society we are perfectly ok with vilifying smokers under the guise of “health reasons” and “a strain on the health care system”, but it’s not ok to tell people that they are obese because they drink 6 cans of soda a day and eat crap for food.  that is what i have a problem with. i’m not talking a little extra around the middle, i am talking obesity due to lazy, cheap, and easy food choices.  obesity is a HUGE strain on health care in this country.

we don’t eat perfect in my house, but we do what we can.  i serve fresh veggies at dinner, i make as much food from scratch as i can, and i keep the processed foods and high-fructose corn syrup foods to a bare minimum.  i don’t even keep soda in the house.  i stopped drinking it years ago anyway.

but stores and corporations don’t make it any easier either.  last night while i was grocery shopping i decided i would make some cookies and cream ice cream for my husband because it is his favorite kind.  (i make it so i know what goes in it)  i stopped to get the oreos and they were about $2.50.  i realized the loaf of bread i debated on buying was almost $4.  no wonder people eat shit.  it’s cheap to eat shit.

evil*mart sells exactly 3 kinds of natural yogurt.  everything else has tons of high-fructose corn syrup in it because it is cheaper than sugar. yet, at what point will it be cheaper to educate people on healthy decisions?  at what point will people decide that the environmental cost of producing these cheap goods outweighs the instant gratification of having a belly full of crap? did you know that it is unsafe to drink the water near Des Moines, Iowa for about 3 months out of the year due to fertilizer runoff?  what do they grow there?  corn for feed, corn for high-fructose corn syrup.

i hate the term “obesity epidemic” because it sounds like something that people have no control over, yet we have control over what we buy, what we eat, what we teach, and what we find acceptable.  i don’t find high-fructose corn syrup acceptable, how about you?  i don’t find cheap, ultra-processed foods acceptable.  i don’t find children with rotting teeth acceptable.  i don’t find evil*mart running off mom and pop stores acceptable.  i don’t find soda machines in schools acceptable.  i don’t find cutting funding for education acceptable, because what kinds of classes go first?  those that aren’t math, english, and science.   even physical education is scaled WAAAAAY back.  it is just not right.

day 2 was worse, but not in the same way.

my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin for me to quit smoking.  i have never been on anti-depressants before and i was hoping that in addition to helping me quit smoking, it would help mellow me out a bit as i seem to have a “medium” fuse these days (as opposed to a short fuse).

i wouldn’t say i have anger issues, but i find myself getting really stressed out and i tend to snap at those around me.  those around me: ie. my son.  totally not his fault and i hate that i snap at him.  he’s a good kid with a lot of energy and he just needs more than i have been able to give him.

i need balance in my life and when i spend too much time doing only one thing, or being in one place, or being with only one person, i tend to get very out of whack.  it manifests in stress, agitation, irritation, and anxiety.

i’m not working, i’m not in school, and we are totally home-bound due to gas prices.  plus, with the husband working as much overtime as he can to pay the bills, it leaves just me and The Dictator for long periods of time.

so i really had high hopes for the wellbutrin.  mellow me out AND help me quit smoking.  2 things that are usually mutually exclusive.

OMG was it the reverse!!!  the first day, i got a horrible headache and my body felt all weird.  i could maybe pass the headache off as all the smoke in the air from the fire up near chico.  the sky looked overcast that day from all the smoke.  plus, it was hot which makes me get headaches too.

but the second day.  shit.  i was a bear.  i was simmering all day.  my boiling point was so low, all The Dictator had to do was stall for a minute and i was all over him.  i was alternately on the verge of tears or wanting to punch something.  thankfully, i knew that what i was feeling was not right and i did not hit anything.  but i yelled.  a lot.  my poor son, he deserves better.

and i smoked just as much as normal because i was so stressed out.

so…  no more wellbutrin for me.  i’m calling the Dr. as soon as her office opens.

the funny thing is, i know people on the drug and they do fine!  no weird side effects, quit smoking, feel better immediately.  apparently, that is not me.

so i need to find another way to quit smoking.  maybe hypnosis?  acupuncture?  don’t suggest that thing called “will-power” because i have none.  crap.

also, if you leave me a comment about how much i suck as a parent, or anything along those lines, i will not publish your comment.  i already know how bad it is for my son that i smoke, how bad it is for me.  i do not think it has vitamin C in it and crap.  hence, me trying to quit.  so restrain yourself people.  words of encouragement are appreciated, but not necessary.

today the source of my irritation is the wind.  wind is fine and all, normally, but today..  oh today it seems that if it isn’t my son sabotaging my efforts, it is the wind.

i am talking about my california poppy seeds.  these little buggers are hard to harvest yet i have been out there, day after day, rooting around in the feathery plants looking for seed pods that are about to burst.  if you are not familiar with the seed pods, let me explain.

they grow out from the center of the poppy like a weird little phallus.  the pods on my plants range from about 2 inches to up to about 6.  then they stay that way for a week, maybe more.  then, if i am lucky, i catch them right about the time they start to dry out.  if you don’t catch ‘em, or you aren’t a crazy gardener like me who harvests seeds, they throw themselves open along a seam-like indentation and FLING the tiny little seeds, at 180 mph, into the neighbor’s yard.  it actually stings a little when the seeds hit you.  really.

well, the other day the wind knocked my ziplock bag full of about a month’s work of seeds (about 4 tablespoons) over into some gravel.  i quickly grabbed the spade and scooped up the rocks, seeds, and all.  well, The Dictator (as he will now be known) thought this was now a game and shoveled 2 more scoops of rock into the bag.  ass!  it took me a week to summon up the energy to sit patiently and separate rock from seed.

so i then moved the seeds into a large glass jar.  the bigger jar afforded more room for the un-opened seed pods to finish their thing.  i found the smaller jar allowed the seeds to sail right into the dishwasher when it was set upon the kitchen island.  (ziplock baggie was method #2).

so imagine my irritation when i go into the backyard today for my daily dose of harvesting, and there lays the glass jar, broken on the ground.  ARG!  smashed on the ground by that wind.  why wind gods?   why must you torture me?  for the record the seeds are for sharing, oh gods of wicked humor!!

i managed to salvage about 2 tablespoons.

moved to a plastic jar.  inside.

i’m about this close >——-<  to giving up.  well, at least until the cosmos go to seed.

i am so tired of arguing with the 3 year old dictator, i can barely see straight after a day alone with him.  by the end of most days, his voice is grating on my last nerve.  i’m also sick of my own voice by the end of the day, hence the sitting on the laptop savoring the quiet after boys have been put to bed.

over dinner tonight the husband and i agreed that the root of the general disagreement of ANYTHING we say and the hyper-drive he goes into is probably the lack of interaction with other kids his age coupled with the crack he must have hidden under his mattress.  where does he find the energy???  can i have some, please?

but thanks to the falling economy and my lack of those things some people have… what was it again?  shit.  wait, don’t tell me…oh that’s right.  a J-O-B.  because i don’t have one (that pays money anyway, believe me, i work hard) we don’t have fund-age to send him to preschool where he desperately belongs.  then there is the rising gas prices that effectively have me stranded 40 miles from most friends, family, family-type activities, free activities, fun, good shopping, healthy foods, basically anything remotely “good”, “fun”, and “free”.

we are going crazy here.  i look at my sweet child and i berate myself for being so “hard” on him when he is just a 3 year old with a healthy dose of intelligence and curiosity.  (maybe too much curiosity.  it can worry a mom.)  he also thinks he knows more than me and likes to boss me around.  and thanks to daddy’s “damn it” outbursts, i have been sworn at all week.  (ok, i don’t have the cleanest mouth either, but i do try to tone it down when little ears are listening)

on an up note however, the child does have a perfect grasp on the word “fucking” and uses it so appropriately, i cannot be mad.  like yesterday when i was trying to get the screen door off to re-screen it.  keep in mind i was not cussing, but i was having a very difficult time getting the damn thing off.  he looks at me, looks at the door and says, “mama?  that’s a fucking door, right?”  all i could say was, “yes it is.  don’t use that word.”  inside i was laughing as hard as i was when he sat down next to me on the couch and said, “hi fucking mama.”  i wasn’t sure whether to commend him on the correct use of the word or put him in a time out for using the word.

ah well, soon he will be a teenager, then an adult, then a father of his own hyper-speed child.  the best (or worst) thing i can do is wish for him a child exactly like him.  the mother’s curse.  *insert evil laughter here*

and now he is sleeping in all his angelic beauty.